The jigsaw of putting the pieces of the signs of the kingdom together

Weekly reflection on looking for signs of the kingdom
Doing blog posts specifically from the perspective of signs of the kingdom is a joy and a challenge. I don't always believe in a personal God speaking to me. My focus tends to be outwards rather than inwards and I'm not always comfortable about sharing my deep feelings and angst. Focusing on signs, tremors and flutters of what God might desire for me and for this beautiful world seems to be helping me feel my feelings a little better, it helps me hope for myself and for the world, and seems to be teaching me that fragile, transforming grace may be possible (even for me!). It also helps me look at things a bit differently. At the moment it seems to be taking me more deeply into my feelings of guilt, making me realise I don't cope well with my self-loathing and disgust. I am not easy clay for God to mould and yet I can sense God's fingertips trying to tease and touch me, and the world around me and well beyond me with love, with grace, with blessing, with justice ... So perhaps I need to allow myself to be touched. I rationalise and craft sentences more easily than I talk about deep feelings, perhaps because I am eaasily moved.
Christ calls me to bear witness, to speak of my faith and also to live in such a way that being a disciple of Jesus might be an attractive option ... and that's quite a tall order. Perhaps looking for signs of the kingdom is showing me that this is not a burden I bear alone but that God and others are also walking the same path.